When I wrote about my experience being kidnapped to a karaoke joint full of drunken cops and steel company execs, I never thought it would be the first in a series of "Kidnapped..." posts. Just the same, here we are.
A couple of weeks ago, my school, the Kunming Eastern College of Language, told all of us students that we were going on a school trip. They said we would go to a place called "Wild Duck Lake," a big park where we would play sports and enjoy the outdoors. Sounded good.
The day before the trip, I skipped class to attend a travel convention in Kunming. One of the school administrators, a guy I've played basketball with, called to tell me the next day's plans had changed. We would go to a different place, to Hongta, to tour a cigarette factory and then play sports, so "bring your basketball shoes." I thought we were going to the big Hongta sports complex on the outskirts of Kunming, which has a basketball court, ice hockey rink, swimming pool, bowling lanes, soccer fields, badminton courts, squash courts and tennis courts.
We all boarded the bus the next morning, and it soon became clear that we were not going to the Hongta I know. Instead we drove about two hours to the town of Yuxi, where there are supposed to be some hot springs and great food. But of course we didn't do any of that. 
They led us into a cigarette factory, where our school's laoban (boss) greeted the factory's laoban with a hearty handshake. It seemed like he was gaining a lot of face by bringing 100 laowai to Hongta. Tour guides in bright red coats with unnecessary microphones led us down a hallway, past photos of famous smokers from Mao Tse Tung to Alfred Hitchcock. They sat us in an auditorium, where we watched a film—a history of Hongta cigarette company, which is apparently not making cigarettes for money but for the health of humanity and the good of the environment.
After that we toured the actual factory, which was somewhat interesting. Until now, the only factories I'd toured were the Jiffy Mix (muffins, cornbread) Factory in Chelsea, Michigan, and the Jelly Belly Factory near Lake Villa, Illinois. So a poison stick factory was a definite departure from my experience. The cigarette production was highly automated, with some really smart robots. I don't know about the people; didn't get to speak to them.
After the factory, they drove us across the street and up a hill to a really sorry red pagoda on a hill that had a picturesque view of the rolling hills, and in the valley... Hongta Cigarette Factory. They kept us up on the hill for about an hour, Lord knows what for.
Next, we went to eat a buffet lunch. I'm really beginning to hate buffets. By the time you know which dishes are good, you've filled your stomach with all kinds of different mediocre dishes and can't eat much more. They also served beer and baijiu (Chinese liquor) at the lunch. I didn't drink any, which I came to regret as the day went on.
Instead of lulling me into compliance, the lunch increased my desire to go home. "Ok, you've fed me. I know this day won't get any better, so let's cut the crap and head back." No dice. We piled in the bus again, not knowing where we were going.
The bus pulled up to a school, where about 20 students greeted us with some really awkward clapping. Our school's laoban paused for a handshake/photo op with their school's laoban, another PR moment. We "enjoyed" a tour of a strange small room full of drab posters explaining the school, which seemed to be some kind of trade school. Then they took us to a big room where five men gave unnecessarily long speeches in Chinese, and we watched our second great Chinglish film of the day. Apparently we were then taken to a separate building where we watched a tea ceremony (not nearly as interesting as it sounds) and learned how to count with abacuses. I wouldn't know because I was one of probably 30 students who deserted and wandered the campus in search of sharp implements with which to stab ourselves in the eyes.
After that, we faced off against the other school in a tug-of-war. Despite their diminutiveness, they bested us twice before we figured out that we needed to use our legs and won one. It was now 4:00, and they informed us that now we would play basketball. I was expecting a few friendly games, but when I came out of the changing room, I saw that we had a referee, a scoreboard, uniform-wearing opponents and more than 100 people standing around watching. We proceeded to drub the kids, with a score of something like 50-13, with two of their points scored by one of out players on an errant tip-in.
When the game is over, I thought we'd head home. Instead we ate dinner in the school cafeteria, which was actually better than our fancy buffet lunch.
We arrived home at 8:30 pm, leaving me just an hour to get cleaned up and get to the opening of my friend's gallery opening. All in all, a wasted day where I felt trapped in a way that I haven't felt since I was a teenager.
